Would you know if he or she was? Bullying is a real problem: The National KidsHealth KidsPoll reports that 33% of kids say they are bullied at least once and a while 8% of kids say they are bullied every day.
Kids who are bullied are likely to suffer from low self-esteem, depression and anxiety. They often have difficulties with their social development and school performance. In fact, kids who are bullied are likely to drop out of school or even attempt suicide to get away from the bullying. They constantly fear when the next "episode" will occur and this fear can lead to health problems. Kids who are bullied are also quite likely to become bullies themselves.
Despite all of this, many parents don't even know what's going on because kids are reluctant to talk about it. As a martial arts instructor, I see parents coming in asking for advice on what to do to help their kids who are being bullied. I'd like to share some of my ideas with you, but before I do, I want you to read this letter from a parent of one of my students:
Ben and the Bully
Monday morning:
"I don't want to go to school today, Mommy!"
"Why not?" I asked. "Isn't it fun playing with the other kids and doing stuff? You usually love pre-school."
"I just don't want to go!" Ben said.
"Maybe it will be more fun than you expect. How about just giving it a try?" I said.
"Okay. But just today."
Monday afternoon:
"How was school, Ben?" I asked when he got in the car.
"Terrible!"
"What happened?" I asked.
"Everything happened! Just like it usually does. I hate school and I don't want to go anymore!"
This went on for several weeks. Whenever I asked what was wrong, Ben would say, "Everything!" but would not give any details.
Finally, one weekend while we were out playing with friends, he opened up a little bit:
"Does something bad happen at school that you don't like?" I asked.
"Yes," Ben admitted.
"Does another person do something that you don't like?" I said.
"Yes," Ben said.
"Is it a boy or a girl?" I asked.
"Boy."
"Does he hit you?" I said.
"Yes, and when I ask him to stop he won't stop! He keeps hitting me. He comes after me and hits me more."
"Have you told the teacher?"
"Yes, but then he hits me again after she leaves."
Mary, Ben's friend, came over and said, "Ben just lets him do it. He doesn't make him stop. Everyone at school likes Ben. But Sam always hits him. Ben just walks away when he does it."
The next day, Monday, on the way to Kung Fu (Ben had been going to Kung Fu for about four months), I asked Ben if he wanted to talk to Mr. Keu about Sam. He said, "Why would I want to talk to Mr. Keu?"
"Maybe he would have suggestions of how to deal with Sam," I said.
"Well ... okay," Ben agreed, grudgingly.
After class, Ben talked to Mr. Keu. Mr. Keu, after hearing Ben’s story, said, "Ben, here's what I want you to do. When Sam hits you, you tell him, 'Stop doing that. Stop hitting me.' Tell him to stop."
"What if he keeps on doing it?" Ben asked.
"Then tell him to stop again," said Mr. Keu. "Keep telling him to stop. If you keep telling him, I guarantee you, he will stop."
"Okay," Ben said enthusiastically.
The next day, Wednesday, when I picked Ben up at school, his disposition was completely different. He was relaxed but confident. "How was school?" I asked.
"Fine, Mommy," Ben said.
"Did you see Sam today?" I asked.
"Oh yea. I saw Sam today alright," Ben said.
"And ...," I said.
"Mommy... I had to take him down," Ben said confidently.
"How far down, Ben?" I asked.
"All the way down, Mommy," Ben said.
"What happened?" I said.
"Well, in the morning when Sam started hitting me I told him to stop, just like Mr. Keu said. But he didn't stop. So I told him again. He still didn't stop. So I told him again. He still didn't stop. So I told him again. He still didn't stop. I told him five times to stop, Mommy, and each time I told him, he kept on hitting me."
"What happened next?" I asked.
"I jumped on him and pushed him down to the ground. Then I sat on him so he couldn't hit me," Ben said.
"What happened next?" I said.
"Well, Sam started crying. He was crying really loud," Ben said.
"Were you crying?" I said.
"Yes, I was crying a little bit. But not as loud as Sam," Ben explained.
"So what happened next?" I asked.
"The teacher came over, and she put Sam in time out," Ben said.
"Did she put you in time out?" I said.
"No. Just Sam," Ben said. "I went and played with other kids."
"What happened next?" I asked.
"That was it," Ben said.
"So he stopped hitting you after that?" I asked.
"Yes. Until the afternoon," Ben said.
"What happened in the afternoon?" I said.
"Sam started hitting me," Ben said.
"Again?" I asked.
"Yes, Mommy. So I told him to stop. He didn't stop. I told him to stop, again. He didn't stop. I told him to stop, again. He didn't stop. I told him to stop, again. He didn't stop. Twelve times I told him to stop. He didn't stop."
"So what happened next?" I asked.
"I ran and put my belly on his back while he was reaching for the doorknob of the playhouse. He moved and then we both fell on the ground. We were rassling. He rolled on top of me, and I rolled on top of him. I got on top of him so that I was on my knees walking on his back so he couldn't move."
"What happened next?" I asked.
"He started crying," Ben explained.
"Were you crying?" I asked.
"A little. Sam was crying much louder," Ben said.
"So what happened next?" I asked.
"The teacher came over and put Sam in time out," Ben said.
"Was it the same teacher as in the morning?" I asked.
"Yes. It was Miss Suzie," Ben said.
"Did she put you in time out?" I said.
"No, just Sam," Ben said.
"So what happened next?" I said.
"That was it," Ben said.
"Did Sam hit you any more after that?" I asked.
"No, Mommy," Ben said.
On the way to Kung Fu that afternoon I told Ben that he should tell Mr. Keu what happened at school today. Ben was reluctant. I told Ben that Mr. Keu would be interested and would want to know. Ben agreed, though with much hesitation. My sense was that Ben was concerned that Mr. Keu would be upset at him for fighting.
After class, Ben talked to Mr. Keu and slowly told him his story. Mr. Keu said, "You did fine, Ben. But next time I want you to tell him twenty times to stop. Okay?"
"Okay!" Ben said enthusiastically.
On Friday, I picked up Ben at school. "How was school today," I asked.
"Fine, Mommy," Ben said.
"Did Sam hit you today?" I asked.
"He tried," Ben said. "So I told him to stop."
"Did he stop?" I asked.
"No. So I told him again," Ben said.
"Did he stop then?" I asked.
"Yes. He stopped, Mommy."
The first thing you can do to "bully-proof" your child is to become informed...
End of Part One Click here for Part Two
